*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
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[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.