My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
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They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods