It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
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I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Still a very good boi….
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?