I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
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Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
How to woo a woman
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.