front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
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Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶