If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
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How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.