Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
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Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left