Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
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boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Had to try this trend 😊