every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
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villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
When I snag the last meatball.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄