Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
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At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I thought this was funny lol
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
*gets down on one knee*
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”