You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
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Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”