Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
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Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.