Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
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just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
hmm conte-me mais
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?