Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
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Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
…u ok Nintendo?
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?