I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
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Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.