[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
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“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house