Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
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i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Lmfao
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.