I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
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it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg