Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
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MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
get you a girl who
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.