Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
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would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.