thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
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*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together