I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
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Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Cats are still liquid.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.