When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
You Might Also Like
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
fr
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
john wicks are toilet candles
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
PLEASE READ
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted