In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
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hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir