Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
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Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
my one true gender
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.