This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
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Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line