Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
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“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.