if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
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When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.