If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
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Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
My plans: 2020:
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”