“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
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one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Lmfaoooooo
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck