Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
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I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.