[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
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anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.