It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
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Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
there has never been a better use of this meme
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.