The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
You Might Also Like
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.