If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
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What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong