When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
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Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Xylophonist Shredding It
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?