Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
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me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS