him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
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The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above