I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
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old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
where the womens at?
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
2022: I can fix it
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.