Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
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Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Most fashion shows these days…
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO