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Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
🏙👨🏼
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Wait for it
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Home is where your toilet is.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.