The Wolf of Wall Street.
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fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys