Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
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If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist