The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
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I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun