There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
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Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.