“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
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“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand