Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
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Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter