cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
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The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
john wicks are toilet candles
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
“I’m helping” 😅
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other