Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
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Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Meow
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.