*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
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Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Childbirth is so beautiful
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?